Yeah, I know: What was I thinking? I never watched the TV show so maybe there were references in the film that slipped past me, but…I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Jessica Simpson is certainly nice to look at, but after-images of her teeth are still flashing on my retinas. (The low FF rating does not reflect my level of engagement. It was the end of a long day and I simply let ‘er run.)
FF= 0
A vile, sadistic film. I think Hamas suicide bombers would find it beneath them. The life-hating self-loathing of the characters is exceeded only by that of the writer-director and his fawning claque in the genre media. I could go on but it’s not worth the keystrokes.
FF= 6
I saw Steven Seagal’s name on it so I rented it. Shouldn’t have bothered. He continues his slide into obesity and obscurity. The low FF score is a function of the film’s incoherence. I didn’t fast forward because I was trying to make sense of the plot. A lost cause. I should have fast-forwarded.
FF= 1
Pretty sick and relentlessly grim. Don’t see this unless you’re a true-blue gorehound. Even then, think twice, because it foists a clichéd twist on you toward the end that’s supposed to give it some sort of lame existential cachet. It doesn’t. Your reaction won’t be, “Cool!” It’ll be, “WTF?” Except for the relentless gore, the first three-quarters is a shameless rip-off of Dean Koontz’s novel Intensity. Dean could have brought suit, but after seeing it he decided he didn’t want his name associated with it in any way.
FF= 7
I’ve seen Dogtown and Z-Boys and remember it as repetitious and overblown (i.e.: the Z-Boys – who invented rad skateboarding – caused a culture shift on a par with the Beatles. As if.) But it was interesting enough to nudge me to rent the dramatized version. Lords is a good coming-of-age story with nice performances (Heath Ledger’s Skip the surf guru with his bucktooth appliance steals a ton of scenes) and a lot less bombast. There’s an old saying: Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. I’ve always thought it should be: Whom the gods would destroy, they grant heart’s desire. Lords of Dogtown demonstrates some of that.
FF= 2
(some of the boarding and pool-hopping scenes went on too long for my limited attention span)
Much as I like chop-socky films and Jet Li, I didn’t like this. Don’t know exactly why. Maybe the underlying setup – treating a man like an animal and training him to be an attack dog – is too grim for me. The 3-act structure is too formulaic and predictable. Some of the fight scenes – especially the one with the guy in the white gi — went on far too long.
FF= 5
I enjoyed this. I know next to nothing about the crusades, so I can’t comment on the film’s historical accuracy, but the leper king of Jerusalem, the Knights Templar, the wise and savvy Saladin all made for a fascinating mix. Some excellent action. I recall some reviews being unkind to Orlando Bloom, but he carried me along. I was engaged.
F= 0.5
Ultimately a disappointment. Maybe because I was expecting a caper along the lines of Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels and got nothing of the sort. Nothing wrong with a clichéd setup if you’re eventually going to turn it on its head. Layer Cake has twists and turns but is far too complicated for its own good. The low FF rating is due to my reluctance to use the button for fear I’d miss something that would clue me as to what the hell was going on. The accents were no help. I finally turned on the English subtitles.
FF=1.5
I don’t know why I rented this. A clumsy cross of “Mars is Heaven” with “Who Goes There?” The special effects (relative to what’s available) are Reptilicus class. Just awful. (That’s A-W-F-U-L.)
FF= 6.5
I think the best way to watch this is the way I did: While doing something else. I was wrapping Christmas presents while it played. It’s endlessly silly but, despite it’s awful rep, sorta fun. Since I felt no time pressure, I didn’t bother with the remote, so its FF score might be artificially low.
FF= 0
F. Paul Wilson's Fast-Forward Movie Reviews 