A contender for the least scary horror film, least funny comedy, and least entertaining movie I have ever seen. A couple of bright moments from Tilda Swinton, but a banal script and direction that can only be described as “distracted” scuttle the whole thing.
FF=4
FF=4
OCEAN’S 8
OCEAN’S 8 and TAG — I saw these back to back (yeah, I know — totally wasted evening). I feel they belong together here because the first is a totally lackluster caper film with an all-female cast and the other is a totally dumb bro film with an all-male cast. OCEAN’S 8 was the more engaging (marginally) of the two but suffers from the same problem as OCEAN’S 13: we simply don’t care. You can double down on Don’t Care re TAG. Don’t waste your time. FF=4 for each.
TAG
OCEAN’S 8 and TAG — I saw these back to back (yeah, I know — totally wasted evening). I feel they belong together here because the first is a totally lackluster caper film with an all-female cast and the other is a totally dumb bro film with an all-male cast. OCEAN’S 8 was the more engaging (marginally) of the two but suffers from the same problem as OCEAN’S 13: we simply don’t care. You can double down on Don’t Care re TAG. Don’t waste your time. FF=4 for each.
THE HILLS HAVE EYES
A gorefest, but not as depraved or sadistic as other recent releases in the genre. Its echoes of Straw Dogs and some genuine heroics save it from the trash heap with Hostel and The Devil’s Disciples. Still, hard to watch.
FF=4
FINAL DESTINATION 3
Some neat Rube-Goldberg-ish deaths with not much of interest between. A lot of the “between” stuff seems like a blur. Hmmm. I wonder why?
FF=4
SUPER TROOPERS
Since Beerfest was such dumb fun, I rented the 2 preceding Broken Lizard films. ST was their first, and weak in relation to Beerfest. Kind of boring.
FF=4
ALIEN VS PREDATOR 2
Why do I do this to myself? Well, unlike many people, I didn’t hate the first, which I thought had a pretty decent story. But this…I had no idea what was going on. Maybe because most of it was shot by the light of a 10-watt bulb. The Alien and the Predator are pretty cool monsters, but you couldn’t see them here. Don’t bother trying.
FF=4
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
Incredibly dumb. Try as I might, I simply couldn’t give a damn about Edward Norton’s Bruce Banner. Even the “Mighty Joe Young” homage (rip-off?) couldn’t save the finale.
FF=4
MAX PAYNE
Awful. Numbingly by the numbers. If you didn’t guess the bad guy from his first appearance on screen, you need to get a rebate on your lobotomy. I can’t remember one original moment in the whole film.
FF=4
GI JOE – THE RISE OF COBRA
Why do I do this to myself? The trailer looked like mindless action and sometimes I need mindless action, but…this has to be the most illogical, ill-conceived, misbegotten piece of crap I’ve seen in an age. I reduced the life-minutes lost by fast forwarding through much of the film, but the end where they detonate the ice cap and everyone underwater flees to avoid the ice chunks SINKING ON THEM!!!! Is there a term for something that sucks off intelligence? I know I lost half a dozen IQ points watching this thing.
FF=4
F. Paul Wilson's Fast-Forward Movie Reviews 