I was warned but I rented it anyway. Words fail me. The only good thing I can say about it: Rent it for bad movie night. It’s so atrociously awful that it’s good for a few laughs. The costumes are hilarious – they must have raided every prop room in Thailand – to hell with the period – who cares if that’s Roman armor, put it on! Must be seen to be believed.

FF=3 (would have been higher but both hands were occupied practicing the banjo)

I really wanted to like this, and it’s got some clever bits, but watching it made me realize why the 190 or so films the original Stooges made were usually limited to 20 minutes. Because they begin to wear you out after that. But naming a super-strict nun Sister Mary Mengele is a stroke of genius.

FF=3

I tend to hate the found footage genre, and here’s a good example why. And guess what? There’s a wild white cop and his Hispanic partner who’s a devoted husband whose wife just had a baby. Let’s take a poll on whose funeral we attend at the end.  I had no idea it was found footage when I rented it. But even if I was a fan of the technique, they didn’t bother to maintain the conceit in any consistent way.

FF=3

I saw this back to back with The Snitch and Dwayne Johnson did the better acting job. No kidding. Whatever happened to the Brad Pitt of Twelve Monkeys and such? He’s become a collection of mannerisms doing a table reading. (See the Ocean films for further evidence.) (Haven’t seen World War Z yet – is he better?) Andrew Dominik’s attempt at Tarantinoesque monologues is clueless and flat as a junkyard tire. What a disappointment.

FF=3

Big-name cast but a by-the-numbers script totally lacking in nuance and sooo predictable. For Walken completists only, otherwise watch 7 Psychopaths again.

FF=3

I love biter bit tales, and this film has the perfect setup: A gang of psychopathic killers hijacks a couple who look like easy prey, but the guy is not at all what he seems. No, he’s not an ex-Navy SEAL, he’s a psycho too – in fact, he makes the gang look like Quakers. (I’m not giving anything away – it’s in the trailer.) It owes not a little to David J. Schow’s “Pick Me Up” and comes down to which psycho are you rooting for? There’s some inventive violence, but neither the story nor the characters have arcs. And so (to extend the image) it left me with a flat feeling.

FF=3

I don’t mind checking my brains at the door (in fact, I rather enjoy it), but this film sucks off IQ through the brain-check locker. No chemistry between the leads, moronic set pieces . . . I can’t think of a single reason to see it. Even Paula Patton isn’t enough.

FF=3

Well, I saw Olympus Has Fallen a while back, so it was only fair I watch this too, right? (That’s okay, the logic escapes me too.) Okay, they’re both Die Hard in the White House. Taking the White House from the inside (WHD) makes more sense (not a lot) than via a full frontal assault (OHF). But WHD has more heart than OHF. Good action scenes in both, but the plots do not bear even cursory scrutiny. My advice? Watch Die Hard again.

FF=3

A gory black dramedy reminiscent of the slasher/spree-killer romps of the 70’s and 80s, with the twist that one of the intended victims knows how to fight back. Can’t say I recommend it. Except for the death-by-blender bit, you’ve probably seen it all before.

FF=3

Wow.  Talk about a waste of time.  Been there, done that so many times.  Every plot turn (can’t even call them twists) is telegraphed in capital letters.

FF=3